I’m really trying to be cool about this but Erin Keane put Bruce Springsteen and me in the same book and by law I have to brag about it. Buy it now and see for yourself.
Anonymous asked: Can you write about hookups?
Yes. Without further ado, I would like to present:
The Only Hookup Strategy You’ll Ever Need* to Guarantee Success** for People Who Are Unbearably Neurotic But Also Wanna French Sometimes
*well, The Only Hookup Strategy I Know
** does not guarantee success; has a near-0% success rate
Be in the same place with them and alcohol.
Drink until Step 3 sounds less scary.
Go up to them and start talking about literally any kind of nonsense that enters your brain-box and hope that it comes off as charming.
You may want to do some fake arguing here, but really, I cannot emphasize enough that it DOES NOT MATTER what you say. As noted historical smooch-hound Marshall McLuhan once wrote, the medium is the message. And in this case, the medium is you gazing deeply into this person’s eyes like you’ve never felt this connected to anyone, even though you are talking about something truly dumb, like which Power Ranger is the best.
Assess their receptiveness to your nonsense-talking (I think some people call it “flirting”). If at any point they say they need to go to the bathroom, get another drink, or talk to someone else, become 100% convinced that they hate you and immediately abort the plan and go get a falafel instead. Otherwise, move on to Step 5.
Continue drinking until Step 6 sounds less scary.
Invent a reason that they need to come to your apartment. Again, the content of this reason could not be less important. It could be anything from “you should come borrow my DVD of Clue even though we both know you could just watch it on Netflix” to “you need to come over and see the terrifying plastic figurine of a baby pushing a keg of PBR that my roommate bought and that I am convinced is haunting me when I sleep.”
Go to your apartment.
Offer them a drink while you continue nonsense-talking on your couch. It will at this point be painfully obvious that both of you want to touch mouths, and you are really just wasting each other’s time by putting it off any longer. (This step should last for several additional hours.)
Make up a reason to move closer to them on the couch, perhaps to show them a picture on your phone of a dog dressed up as a human.
Wait for a lull in the conversation. Suddenly become aware that your entire body has become paralyzed with a nauseating mixture of fear and excitement. Realize in a panic how long it has been since you kissed someone and how mortifying it would be if you are actually terrible at kissing but no one you’ve kissed has ever told you because they felt so sorry for you.
Force yourself with all your might to look directly at them, so that the path to your face from their face is unimpeded by your hair or hands. This is as far as you can go, because you are a terrified coward. You are literally physically incapable of being any more forward than this.
Wait for them to either kiss you or leave your apartment.
Sorry I’ve been absent but I found 2048 was an app.